Last night was another dream. Ayana, my new girlfriend, returned from Africa and we had dinner at the same restaurant in which we had our first meal together. It was a late Valentines Day.
Afterwards, we walked hand in hand, stopping to kiss in the freezing night air. When you’re in love, or feel that you are, even the coldest night feels like summer.
I asked her home with me and she accepted. When we arrived at my home, Anca and Fawn came to the door to meet Ayana and they were immediately friendly and warm. I was worried that Anca might be strange but she was absolutely fine. In fact I think she has a little crush.
As I write this, in my usual semi-sleepless state, and about to go back to sleep, Ayana is beside me, she is breathing softly and lost in dreams, her arm is draped over my thighs.
Today, I must risk everything with Ayana though. Today, it is time to tell her of me, who I am and what goes on in my life. I am so nervous, actually I am terrified that she will hear me and run to the nearest airport or anywhere away from me.
If she can accept me for who I am, with all of my insanities, then my heart may let me fall the rest of the way into love with her.
If she can’t then I will not die, I will go on, but my heart will be shattered into smaller fragments than it already is.
I will lay it all on the table for her, the whole of me, the D.I.D., the parties, the history of slavery and whoring, the story of my uncle. I will also tell her of my therapy and my need to be healed.
Please, I ask of you my silent friends who visit here, please send your most positive thoughts to Ayana and me, that this day is one of smiles, not bitter tears. Thank you.
xxx Nina
You have my thoughts, and best wishes.
Thank you, never. It did not go well. She is gone.