I am so fucked up at the moment.

You know that Monday was my date with Ayana, my girlfriend. Well, she slept over and I was going to tell her the next morning about my life and who I am. Well, I did. That was yesterday around 11am and by twelve-thirty she was catching a taxi out of my life.

It was so crazy though. She was ok with my D.I.D., with my experiences with my uncle, the whole whore thing and even my being a slave before. But Ayana is one-hundred percent gay and she couldn’t deal with the fact that I love cocks, not the men attached to them that much but with the cocks. I love tasting them, putting them into me and getting a hot shot in the mouth.

I told Ayana, I don’t want affairs but I want to be able to feel a cock in me from time to time. She said the only way we could be together is no men, full stop! God, I tried I really did try, I promised not to get involved with men only to have sex with them. My heart would be hers. I was totally honest, it’s something I need but she said no, absolutely not. If I want her I have to give up men. But I fucking can’t. I love her but I need what I need.

After she left I cried and cried and cried. I locked myself in my bedroom for hours, drank a lot of vodka and when it got dark, I went to a bdsm club in the city. I was so fucked up. I was drunk and didn’t give a fuck about myself. I put myself in a position that invited certain treatment and it wasn’t long before I was tied and beaten. Every lash of a whip and every blow of a hand felt like justice. I fucked a budding relationship by holding onto my own interests so let them punish me I thought, I deserve every bit of pain.

Early in the morning, around two, I got myself home and back to my bedroom. Anca said something but I waved her off. At some point I chatted with a friend and kept drinking. I got sick at one point, Fawn cleaned the floor up. My friend made some good points but this morning he wasn’t getting through, maybe the drink, maybe the self-hate.

After we got cut off from chatting, I drank some more, smoked too many cigarettes, grabbed some condoms out of a drawer downstairs, and found my self at the park, a big park in the city. There i cozied up to some men who were hanging around and told them for a small amount they could fuck me. They laughed at the fucking whore and the five of them lined up.

So I was there, in the freezing winter, bent over a park bench, money being stuffed in my pockets and cocks being stuffed into my cunt. At least i remembered the condoms. When they finished and wandered off, I peeled off the used condoms they’d thrown on my back after they came and dumped them on the ground, pulled my dress back down, and trudged home again, but not before being violently ill all over my shoes.

I got home I don’t remember when and went straight to sleep not even bothering to undress. Fawn cleaned me up in the bath around 10am and here I am, writing this while I still remember.

My head is splitting and my cunt is sore, probably from being fucked dry in the cold. No lube, natural or otherwise.

I keep picking up the phone to call Ayana but what could I say? She doesn’t love me obviously. The only people who love me are the ones who have to, Anca and Fawn.

The park was a stupid idea but I was drunk and honestly, i don’t much care about me right now. Maybe time and sober will help. But really, who gives a fuck?